Internalizers and Externalizers: How Children Cope With Emotionally Immature Parents
In my last blog, Understanding the 4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents, we looked at emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting parents. These four patterns come from psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson’s book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. This time, we're looking at the kids. Go ahead and drop this one in the sibling group chat. It’s helpful information, but please don’t use it to start shit at Thanksgiving, or do. Follow your little heart.
If you have siblings, you already know that growing up in the same family doesn’t mean you experienced it, or responded to it, in the same way. Dr. Gibson uses the terms internalizing and externalizing to describe two common ways children cope with emotionally immature parents.
These are patterns, not diagnoses or fixed personality types. You might recognize yourself more in one, see pieces of yourself in both, or notice that your response changes depending on the relationship or situation.
What Is an Internalizer?
Internalizers are the OG “I’ll handle it” people. When something goes wrong, their first instinct is often to look at themselves: What did I do? What could I have done differently? How do I fix this? Dr. Gibson describes internalizers as relying heavily on their own inner resources and trying to solve problems themselves. As children, internalizers may become highly aware of other people's moods and expectations. They learn to accommodate, anticipate what other people need, and handle problems on their own. They become the responsible kid, the easy kid, the “Wow, you’re so mature for your age” kid. As Dr. Gibson puts it, “They hate to feel like a bother” (Gibson, 2015, p. 111). If you just said “oh shit” to yourself, keep reading.
Since internalizers appear capable and self-sufficient, their needs can be easier for parents to overlook. Dr. Gibson describes internalizers as becoming “invisible and easy to neglect” (p. 111). They may hesitate to ask for help, minimize their problems, or feel guilty when they need someone's attention. This can also impact how they approach relationships. Dr. Gibson writes that internalizers may learn that connection comes from putting other people first: “They think they can keep relationships by being the giver” (p. 106).
After an argument, an internalizer might spend the next three days replaying the conversation. Was I too sensitive? Did I ask for too much? Was it my tone? Should I have handled it differently? They can be incredibly thoughtful and attentive to other people while having a much harder time believing their own needs deserve the same consideration. Dr. Gibson summarizes it as: “Unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior” (p. 106).
What Is an Externalizer?
Externalizers are more likely to look around and think, Okay, who’s going to help me with this? When something goes wrong, they may react quickly, blame someone else, act impulsively, or rely on other people to make things better.
Dr. Gibson has a great metaphor for the difference. She describes externalizers as looking for “an external power source to plug into,” while internalizers have “their batteries included” (p. 91).
For externalizing kids, distress is more likely to get everyone's attention. Maybe they're fighting at home, getting in trouble at school, having big emotional reactions, or making impulsive choices. Whatever is going on, the people around them usually know something is wrong.
As adults, that same instinct can show up during conflict. Their attention may go straight to what the other person did wrong, what needs to change, or who needs to fix it. Looking at their own role in the problem may take a little longer. Dr. Gibson writes that externalizers may “look to others to make them feel better” (p. 91).
A note about externalizers
As you read through these descriptions, try not to turn internalizers and externalizers into the “good kid” and the “difficult kid.” Both are ways children learned to deal with what was happening around them. Kids figure out pretty quickly what gets a response in their family, and siblings don’t always come to the same conclusion.
Of course, understanding where a behavior comes from doesn’t mean it gets a free pass. As adults, we’re still responsible for how our behavior affects the folks around us.
How Do Siblings Raised by the Same Parents Turn Out So Differently?
If you grew up wondering Why am I expected to know better? or Why does my sister get away with everything? Dr. Gibson’s framework might help explain some of what was happening. Siblings can grow up in the same house and develop completely different ways of getting their needs met. They can also have very different experiences of the parents they shared.
Maybe one sibling was quick to anger, picked fights, broke rules, or regularly had some kind of crisis going on. The other learned to stay out of the way, be responsible, and cause as few problems as possible. Over time, families can start organizing themselves around the child whose needs are taking up the most space and energy. Parents may tell the more accommodating sibling, “You know how your sister is,” “Just ignore him,” or the classic, “You’re older, you know better.”
After hearing that enough times, you might’ve started to wonder why understanding your sibling always seemed to be your job.
Dr. Gibson describes how internalizing children in these families can learn to “put their needs on a back burner” (p. 100). That can create a lot of resentment toward a sibling who seemed to get more attention, more chances, or a different set of rules and expectations entirely.
Your sibling was also figuring out how to function in that family. Their behavior may have been their way of getting needs met, expressing distress, or getting a parent's attention. Understanding that now doesn't erase what it was like to be their sibling, but it may help explain why two kids raised under the same roof can tell very different stories about growing up there. Same parents, same address, wildly different Yelp reviews.
These Patterns Can Persist Into Adulthood
By adulthood, these patterns can feel so automatic and relentless that it can be difficult to stop the cycle. You have an argument with your partner and spend the rest of the night replaying everything you said. You apologize first because tension makes you uncomfortable, you need help but decide it would be easier to do it yourself, or maybe your first reaction is to focus on what the other person did wrong and wonder why they aren't doing more to make things better.
You may also recognize yourself in both. Maybe you become the responsible, accommodating version of yourself around your parents and a much more reactive version with your partner. Dr. Gibson points out that internalizers can move toward externalizing when they're overwhelmed, too. Most of us are probably more complicated than one label can account for.
It can be interesting to pay attention to where your mind goes first when something feels wrong or you feel like you’ve been wronged. Do you immediately wonder what you did? Are you already figuring out how to fix it? Do you assume you'll have to handle it yourself or are you waiting for someone else to change before you can feel okay again?
You started learning how relationships worked way before you knew what an internalizer or externalizer was. You learned what happened when you needed help, whose feelings took priority, how much room you were allowed to take up, and what you had to do to stay connected to the people you depended on. Sometimes your adult relationships make a lot more sense when you understand the role you learned to play in your family growing up. As Dr. Gibson puts it, you may have “transformed into what your family system needed you to be.”
Reference: Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
Understanding the roles and coping patterns you developed in childhood can help you make sense of how you navigate relationships today. Whether you tend to take on too much responsibility, struggle to ask for help, or find yourself repeating familiar family dynamics, therapy can provide a supportive space to explore those patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others.
If you're ready to better understand your experiences and begin making meaningful changes, reach out to learn more about working with The Therapy Hub.